The search: The search creates the void, but who can say what came first, heavy breast brush upon lips and my first instincts are to trust it, suck it, look, as it is taken from me the void comes in hunger a constant need to fill my stomach fill my head, fill my mind . all the while god is a soldier loving and ruthless and I've always had a problem with authority, the greed let the pain in a little more, my tears flowed more freely my bad intent was mere good curiosity, healthy more to smile and to see it in others it is a weakness to be a comedian, it is a stupidity if you don’t how, and when. But I learnt then time, through hard slaps and barking from elders and I can tell it quite well when it is time to go stay or cause a nuisance but sometimes I can be quite wrong about loving, you might laugh a little I call that a mission accomplished I call that trying my best
Without fear but I feared dogs neither three but the bark, I wonder why an animal would judge to see me as bad person my only crime; I stole some money and meat on occasion, wet the bed often the gutter in my dream felt so real as I battle there and battle reality, abate the bed with hot iron and dirty clothes while I sow insomnia.
The Questions: the questions didn't come until I saw Clem Ohameze with deep cuts on his body which embodied my fear and in time I like him impress an audience because I never bothered to understand why they seem to laugh harder when i was in pain, Now you know why I have many scars more unseen and some of my own making from time to time I thanked god whoever I thought made me shudder when I prayed our glorified Hail, to Father Being Mary and I prayed quite fervently
Fear gave me imprisonment well fed prisoner, I showed promise but my heart was in the right place, literally so, so I pissed away my teens as the one true novice
Mondays brought the weeks omen, taught me how to march properly was my good friend till our mothers started selling similar wares. So I ran early and find myself confused bullied when am found out but a boy’s voice will forever be tenor and I sing quite noisily all beacons for my lonely self Mrs Tijani flogged me when I sang Boney M’s Rivers of Babylon just because she sang it , I remember anger then like I do now, I committed some crimes of my own I hope they ignore me I will ignore her since Ignoring ones sin can be collected as the one I don’t remember and I sure seek pardon and peace . I search for love while waiting I search why I wasted and listened to Waiting in vain I really liked Bob, I really liked Michael.
Rain fell that day that he died and I finished exams to find daddy at home and NEPA Left the light during the rain, Bad was playing in the Television if only I had completed my notes, maybe it wouldn't start my question early, Well girls weren’t as chatty and I cried more often. His job wasn’t all that the red light In the bathroom highlighted my cane marks at it I screamed “why God” he kept on looking you since god never sleeps. I wasn't well adjusted I never am.
question kept me weird in catechism, so much even when we used ringtones to distract the class, Mine was followed by low battery sound; comedian does it again! I never understood the insults all I did was weighed a few pounds but onward and tripping I lodge at the education faculty and I met Father Nwosu, germane considering all my ordeal with the church questions followed one afternoon
He said Jesus was gay, ‘The disciples were surprised when they saw him talking to a woman” well With God all things are possible and with those word I never looked back..
But I met some nice people, if I met them today, We wouldn't be friends I said I met some nice people if I met them today they would remind me things that make only them feel better
The Sadness: After mine and so many Fathers, I added Hume and Sadner Sadd, but I never really felt sad, till Dennis told me my life is sad apt just after we sat and I remembered breaking up my children playing on my abdomen some minutes earlier on a Sunday morning if you will believe it
I have had some ghost of my own but never this sad. Time told and I listened, forgotten some of them but it came many in fears like the one about dogs which recedes nowadays I still care but I feel afraid to garden and now i sit with my legs crossed! I sit with my legs crossed!!
After all the confusion called life that's all i have is allowing my toes touch my knees and yes I have trashy spirit you might look at me and frown I might do all these things and you wouldn't show me love but I been unfair too.
I have denied love to those who showed it, some out of ignorance some because i couldn’t feel it. even then why I screamed why Lord to a red bulb with Rejoice’s joy joy joy playing in my head thinking in my mind what i would do to her if we are alone.. I,fool no one, am not an angel. but now I sit with my leg crossed, I sit with my leg crossed and I don’t know what It does for all my patterns all my fears all my traumas. I just do...
by
Victor Samuel
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