The toil of acquiring things in this world makes us stiff when it comes to giving, it is hard to freely open a fist locked in resolve, so as our hearts ache, and even with the one we promised everlasting love we start as Daniel Sloss said in Jigsaw looking for the pulp in the orange juice, looking for faults. Especially when we know we are tethered unhappily like a father to a child a man to a wife.
What do we recourse to when;
Resentment make us as robots of our fellow human, make kisses look treacherous and deceiving, make us irritable, as nothing absolutely nothing can clean off and wring away the sting of the pain, makes the happy emotion of love sounds fleeting and unrelatable, so sometimes we think we can punish the other just to show how we feel, especially when they are a happy go lucky in front of us or go and eat the last remaining bread that we got from begging a client for some extra extra without asking for your permission first. It hurts, You compare yourself with them and say oh fellow sperm and egg fertilizer why should I walk this painful path and buoy you?
Like the farmer who tied his freshly harvested yam on the back of his dog, the toil erase completely the penchant and affordability of care. And that insouciance demonizes us.
So when the pain comes and you can’t do anything but claim that you are tired, you go to the bed and pretend to sleep while devilish rage builds inside you, why did you eat the bread without telling me first, is it just bread or is it something more, I suffered how can she not know that I suffered, why does she want to kiss me when I feel pain in my dislocated shoulder, I wish I can stuff this entire arm inside her mouth so she knows whats that like.
And as a man you are the financial womb of frankly a litter of puppies, and with the pain gotten it feels like nobody can do anything right. The cloth doesn’t seem folded properly, and the water is not well boiled, you are irritated, pissed and want to hit something, badly.
My dad, one of the reason, I have obsessive compulsion today, always told me you will be a man you will understand. One of the few memories I have is that he comes back from work and start from the kitchen entrance since we had two entrance to the house, and start dragging his bare feet on the cement floor, looking for sand, and if he find any, i sniffle. I remember him reaching from the driver seat, to punch me in the face on my way to school just because I had my pen stolen,Was it just a pen, was it just sand or is it something more.
When you think about it, I am growing up too and find myself irritated I bought food for someone I told specifically that it is okay for us to have economic synergy, for the occasional smooch and kisses (girlfriend) well and that is me saying I want to fend for us don’t worry about it, but these days (with recent Nigeria economic downturn) I am, believe me I am seriously worrying about it,
And this is me without a kid, or a very rough and careless one like I was, and hoping I don’t do worse
And I am beginning to empathize with my father, there are vestigial stumps on the sides of his forehead where I used to two shiny horns. He is no longer the devil but more like misunderstood hero.
And I admit I was selfish when I would look at him uncanny at a new pair of shoes he bought for himself, I remember thinking to myself what his wrong with him as I made potato fries with groundnut oil, when my dad used to cough intermittently.
Ask me now that I stay alone how many time have I fried potato, (never, I told my friends I prefer it mashed)
The funny thing about it is that you start to think existential stuff when this resentment comes, like is this the life I want to live?, have I made a big mistake trying to live on my own?, is this who I want to spend the rest of my life with, and you become grateful for not having a kid, or even a miscarriage, sad sad stuff.
Is it possible to be truly generous?
Resentment that shows itself as obsessive compulsion, Resentment that build due to the hurt gotten from previous relationship, because your brain keeps asking you if you are not making the same mistake again, and how you should discount every delayed gratification and enjoy every moment of your life as people will always be people.
But if doesn’t come natural does it, as onanistic living come with it’s own guilt, and your first impulse is to share, but how can you share without worrying about the person if he or she is qualified for your care.
"Come on everybody lets settle down, we are just struggling now, in an unnamed struggling town” - Andrew Bird
How do we cope, because regardless of how I thought about this, it’s a struggle for me to find complete detachment with giving, I think the only way is to thoroughly enjoy oneself without guilt so that your generosity is an extension of you not a costly expiation, in analogy eat a grand so that you can easily give a hundred.
When you feel you have enjoyed, you will not feel too bad, for the husband it will reduce the quickness to anger, for the mothers it will reduce pent up frustrations resentment and acrimony.
Don’t be generous because others are, for the people you are being painfully generous to shouldn’t be alive in the first place. So don’t go out your way to please someone that will never remember your suffering.Even with your relation with others as these days we rate the strength of our relationship by how generous the other person is to us and most times monetarily, don’t get caught in that trap, Live your life. Also many relationship are tied together in a knot of resentment, only together because of the sacrifices they’ve made for each other not because they love or enjoy being with one another, cut those off Enjoy your life (in pidgin You no carry wife come from heaven,) so that when you give, you can afford to and it will be a left over of what you have and not torture yourself in the process
Be good, be generous but don’t become bitter and resentful in doing so\
>s
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